20.9.06

Kia & Killing

I have been told on more than one occasion that I have a split personality. After the day I’ve had, it’s half this personality that wanted to go home, curl up in PJs and listen to some Mariah Carey. It’s the other half that refused to take such a defeatist attitude. So instead I put on the angriest music I have and ran til I bled. It’s because of that half that I’m sitting on my bed with muscles that have lain dormant for years incapacitated beyond movement. But I’m ok. Sort of. I think.

To blank out the residual mean reds, I picked up Perfect Match by Jodi Picoult in which a mother kills her son’s molestor. There is a part where she questions how she could have killed another person. This theme of “Am I capable of murder?” comes up in many books and films. There is often a moment where the good guy has the evil guy in a vulnerable position but just can’t bring himself to shoot/stab/strangle/etc because he is inherently good. I questioned myself on this issue once and I came to the definite conclusion that I could commit murder (under the right circumstances of course). Perhaps admitting this openly to the world isn’t the smartest thing I’ve done but we’ll ignore that for a second. I know murder is against my religion, against the law and pretty much against everything we have been taught but I still feel that I could do it.

Am I a minority? Do most people out there shake their heads and say, “There’s no way on Earth I could kill someone,” or do they have the same attitude as me? I guess it’s all to do with the situation. If someone posed a real threat to me or someone close to me, I know I could do it. Hell, after the day I had, maybe I’d have open fired on the Northern Line just to get some breathing space! Ok, now I sound like a sociopath so I’ll stop.

And, er, if someone pushes a person under a Northern line train sometime this week, it wasn’t me.

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